7 posts tagged “stillborn”
I have a few blogs that I read daily. It's like they are my friends and their blogs keep me informed. One recent post on one of the blogs asked for the readers to visit or pray for another in the blogging community. She had just lost her twin boys around the middle of her pregnancy. I have no clue the exact reasons but my heart went out to her and I emailed her my story, just to let her know she was not alone.
She wrote a very painful and raw post on Mother's day which got me thinking. I've been meaning to write something like this for a while but it's hard to put into words, so you'll have to bear with me when I ramble.
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When a mother, a family, loses a child no matter what age it hurts, hurts like hell. But you know, as cliche as this is, it will get better. Having losses in 2000, 2001, 2004 and 2006 I know a little on the subject. For those just joining or just finding me, the babies in 2000 and 2006 were early miscarriages which happened on their own; the 2001 child was our first daughter, Avery and in 2004 our son Jackson. Both stillborn at 26 weeks.
But, back to what I was saying. It'll get better. It still hurts and I still cry but it's not as raw. It's not burning like salt on a wound, it's not uncontrolled sobbing much anymore and the anger is not as deep. I do not want you to think that I am happy every day, I do not want you to think that I never think of my babies, nor do I want you to think that I don't care. But it's DIFFERENT than it was in the early 2000's...hell, even just a few years ago. I think of my angels every single day, I'm even fighting tears as I write this. But now, after these hard and excruciating years, it's a different cry. You will forever miss your child, whether they were miscarriages that you didn't get to meet, stillborns that were already gone, children you got to have in your life for longer or even older children. There's one thing...parent's should never have to bury THIER children. I still get mad that I had to pick out two headstones, but I got to do something that I bet you never have, I've got to hold not one angel, but two!
God did not give you this child and take him/her from you to teach you a lesson, to be mean. God has our children because they were destined for something better. Now, go ahead and disagree with me because NO I do not intend to know exactly what God does and why, but I do know that without these angels in my life I wouldn't know some people I do today. Think about how often you hear now of someone losing a child? People are more open about it now and it's wonderful, for a sad reason. Avery and Jackson have brought some awesome people in my life, have allowed me to really truly and honestly know what someone is going through when they lose a child, have given me the ability to share my story to hopefully help other families in this situation and have also let me come closer to God. I got to hold his angels, I got to carry his angels and I helped grow some of his angels.
Now, again, don't get me wrong, I hated Him for a while, but I now understand a little more and realize that even with all this shitty pain, depression, anxiety, taking my fears out on Kenna and everything else that has changed in me since my first loss, I'M FRICKIN' SPECIAL! My babies have some really great other kids to play with up There...I have angels to watch over me all the time.
In all my rambling I hope this makes sense. If you've had a miscarriage and didn't know the sex of the child you carried, still, give him/her a name. It'll make it easier, even if it's a nickname. Cherish and always think of the time you did have with your child, no matter when they passed. I promise, it will get better, easier in some way on each angelversary. You will still cry, you will still be mad, you will still laugh then be mad at yourself for laughing, but it's ok. Smile because you got to hold an angel....in your arms or your womb and your HEART!
I ask you this, my awesome readers...Have you held an angel, 'cause I have!
You know Mother's day was yesterday. Although it was a wonderful day including sleeping in, flowers and cards picked out from Kenna and Sean, a nice dinner with dessert and tons of cute little notes from Kenna all day (i.e. I love you mom) it also had a tinge of sadness too.
This special holiday for us moms has been a good one for the past 5 years for me because of Kenna. I'm so happy that she's now getting older to write me notes and honestly tell me that she loves me. It always makes me laugh and I'm so blessed.
While I'm happy to have Kenna here it always enters my mind that I should have at least 2 more children to write me notes on this day too. I remember my FIRST mother's day after Avery was born. I went to my old place of work, the local grocery store, and one of my previous co-workers knew I had been preggo but didn't know of the ins and outs of Avery's birth/passing. So, we were there with some friends to get stuff to cook out, because Sean and our neighbors wanted me to have a happy day, remembering our daughter. This old co-worker checking us out told me "Happy Mother's Day". I politely said thank you and walked to the car. I sat in the back and bawled like a baby. Yes I was a mother, even then when Avery was in heaven, I didn't feel like it, it was a slap in the face. In a way that pain still comes creeping in on this special day. I hurt still, I hurt for others in my situation who have lost babies and I hurt for MY babies. I'm sure it'll still be painful every year, but I'm just so so so so so...did I say so, THANKFUL for McKenna!
I think I'm a strong person. I have days, weeks and occasionally a bad month here and there, but overall I'm pretty eff'ing strong. I thought that, until yesterday at work. Here's some background for you:
1. Avery's birthday is Friday the 22nd. She would have been 7 this year. I miss her tons but for the most part I smile when I think of her, rarely do I feel the burning of tears in my eyes when I think of her or hear her name.
2. I work for 10 hrs a day. On the phones for 8 hrs and 50 mins of these 10 hrs per day...I'm an insurance agent (it's nice saying that, not just customer service or phone work). 95% of my calls are from military members and their families. Sometimes I get a call like I did on Tuesday, which is the reason for this post.
The call started out completely normal, ie I need an insurance card and other questions. Then the call changed. I heard the cutest little noise on the phone, which I knew immediately as a newborn nursing. So, I had already started a relationship with this younger woman so I asked about the noise. She informed me that the noise was her 9 week old daughter, Avery. The more and more we talked the more I learned about her situation. This simple call drew into a 45 minute discussion about her young husband in Iraq missing the birth of their first child. She and Avery are living with some friends who's husband is also deployed. I got the young woman's car insurance taken care of but realized that we (my company) had more to offer her. I got our bank on the line since she had a credit card with us and I got her interest rate lower because of her deployed honey, down from 17.9% to 4% for a year. This young mom was totally stoked that I even thought of that, she thanked me profusely for helping her and her family. This is when the call turned into a heartbreaker. I told her it was the very least I could do because of her and her family's sacrifice while her husband is overseas. I explained that I appreciated everything that she and her husband are giving up for me and my family. Because of their selflessness my family is free and living how we are. I thanked her for trusting my company and also advised her to have a great day (the norm at the end of every call for me) then I said it..."give Avery a big hug for me". The young woman just giggled and said "I sure will", while I choked an "ok" from my throat and fought back the all too familiar burn in my eyes. I had to finish the call, hang up the phone and walk away.
I went to the bathroom with red eyes and mascara stained cheeks and finally realized I needed to call my mom. Mom said the usual wonderful things a mom says and it helped and had me smiling at the end of our call thank goodness.
So much of me was embarassed to breakdown at work, to call my mommy crying but mainly I just felt silly for getting so "involved" with a customer on the phone like that. After a few moments I realized THAT is what makes me kick ass at my job. That's why I'm not just answering calls all day. I mean maybe I made that young woman smile, maybe when she sees her Avery she'll always know to treasure and cherish every moment with her and maybe, just maybe, she'll now know that even with her husband overseas others care for her even though we've never met.
I think I was supposed to get that call yesterday...this week. I never forget about my angels, all of them, but I think it was God's way or letting me know that she is doing ok and she still thinks about me too!
Ah, today is one of those days that I dread; that all parents who lose a child dread...the anniversary of death/birthday/angelversary. My son, Jackson William (JW), would be 3 today if he were born in my arms and not right to heaven.
This day used to suck; me spending all day in bed, me spending all day crying, and me thinking all day of JW. But you know, it doesn't hurt as much anymore. I still miss him and it still is a sad day, but it's not as raw anymore. I know he's with me, I know he's with his sister and it's easier.
Please send up a little prayer for my son, today on his 3rd birthday.
I'll make this short (not really, but whatever), but basically he said that after reviewing my file (which he did while I sat there) he said that he read a case done last year with women who had abrupted badly enough to loose their babies. Of those women 10% abrupted again and lost the babies again. He said he doesn't feel comfortable telling me what my chances of having another baby die or me die, but based on that case study he said that if I did get preggers that I'd have a 10% chance that I'd abrupt at some point and baby would die. He explained that it's not just losing the baby but he said about the DIC and me getting sick again. he told me that he's only treated/seen 7 women that lived after going through DIC and I was one. So, he told me NOT to have any more, but he did say that he can't decide for us and we'll have to make the decision, but he would strongly advise against it.
Then he told me that I need to be on bp meds and so he hooked me up with a family practioner to see (no appt date set yet) to get on those and to talk to him about my migranes. He's afraid I'm having the TIAs and so he doens't know what they'd do for me.
THEN...he tells me that he thinks I have PCOS, but wants me to see an OB/gyn about it since he doesn't deal with non preggers PCOS patients. I have an appt on May 9th with the Ob/gyn to talk to him about that and possibly do an IUD or to tie my tubes.
He was an awesome doc...I really liked him and he was great with Kenna. He even said he knows what it's like to have one kid and want another but can't for some reason. he said he and his wife went through that and decided after years to just be happy with their first. He had a good head on his shoulders and even understood that wasn't wha I wanted to hear, but knew that I NEEDED to hear it. He put it really well that your heart wants it, but you have to convince your brain, sometimes hearing it 2x makes it more real. He said their infertility group is great if we want to do surogacy, but we can talk about that later again.
He told me this story of a woman he treated and had 5 stillbirths, after each he told her not to do it again, but she kept on and on. Her depression kept getting worse each time and finally she had her 6th stillborn and went home and killed herself. He said he's never forgave himself for that because he felt he could have done more to stop her from having more babies, but he said all he can do is tell us what he thinks and go with it.
If I do get preggers, he told me he'd treat me and "throw all the black magic he could at me because he'd be worried about giving someone who went through DIC an anticoagulant (heparin, lovenox)", he'd also see me every week from 19wks on and u/s every week to. But docs are afraid of abruptions and they can happen in seconds. He had a woman in the hospital for 20 wks because of previous abruptions and everything was great, then one morning all looked fine, but 1 1/2 hrs later the baby was dead due to abruption. He said there's nothing they can do to stop them, that's why docs are afraid of them.
So much for making this short huh? Basically the baby factory REALLY is closed, my BP is way high, I'm not having periods, I've gained 10 lbs in 3 months AND...I'm stroking out at the age of 28! Bascially...WHY did I go to this appt again?! LMAO!
I should change the name of my blog. Yes, I'm screwed up, but no I'm not happy about it. For some reason I'm at a loss for words for this entry. Maybe it's because I have a killer headache, maybe it's because I've cried since about 1:30 today, maybe it's just because if I blog about it it will become more real.
I got some news today from my doc, and I'm sure you all can tell it is not good news at all. Basically we know something is wrong with me, but we can't find it. The tests for the problems that are fixable all came back negative. So, the doc ran more tests today. But the shitty thing about the tests ran today is this; THESE ISSUES AREN'T FIXABLE. Even if they come back positive and we finally know what's wrong with me, you can't take a pill for them, you can't just be watched closely, so basically I'm screwed.
Then she (the doc) hits me with numbers. Now, remember I'm an accounting major, numbers are MY thing, but these numbers scare me this time. 45% chance if I do get pregnant again it will end in a stillborn or loss of some sort...20% chance that if I do get pregnant I'll be the one dying. Yeah...a 20% chance of me not making it through the pregnancy...and almost 50% of the baby not. The doc then told me that if she were my husband, she wouldn't let me get pregnant again. If we did decide we want to do this, she refuses to be my doc because "she does not want to see me die". She doesn't even recommend surrogacy. So, as much as I hate to say it, the baby factory is closed for us.
We have our one beautiful and sometimes moody daughter and I'm so thankful for her. Why God chose to let me have her and not our others I will never know. What I do know is that I'm lucky to have her, even when she has a toddler melt-down, I'm still lucky. She keeps saying that when she "grows big" she's going to be a sister, man how I want to give her that. I've googled ('cause Google is my second husband) an adoption agency. I dunno about you all, but I don’t have $25K lying around. I guess it’s possible to get it. And I’m ok with waiting for years to get our baby, I think. I’m not sure if I’m ready for the “frustration” of adoption, you never hear really good things about it. People always spend a fortune of time and money, then they finally get the baby and something happens and the birth mother takes the baby back, I’m not sure if I can handle that disappointment again.
I guess we have a lot to think about, a lot to research and a lot to discuss. I have more grieving, more crying and more screaming to do before we really decide something, but you all know how impatient I am…guess I’ll have to get over it and just learn to wait for a while longer.
I can’t help but feel sorry for myself, have me a little pity party complete with hats and kegs of beer, but then Kenna comes walking in the room and all I can do is smile and cry. I’m so pissed at pregnant people….while cute and adorable; they piss me off because I’m not one of them and won’t ever be again. I’m angry because someone is telling me that I CAN’T DO SOMETHING…hello that just makes it worse. I’m tired of well-meaning people who keep saying that we can adopt because there are plenty of babies out there that need our love, it’s true, but I don’t want to hear that now. It’s just like when we lost Avery and Jackson, no one knows what to say. I’ll get to a point where it’s kind of funny in a sad way, but right now it just pisses me off more. I’ve just had my fertility taken from me, cry with me, get pissed with me, grieve with me, but God damn, don’t tell me it’s all for a reason but we just don’t know it yet. I’m only 27 years old, I should be in the “prime of my life”, I should be having babies left and right, but I can’t. To sum it up, it’s not fair. And I don’t want to hear about me saying that either…it’s my right to feel that way right now and I’m going to. It’ll take me some time to work through this, it always does, and I’ll bounce back. Just give me time…
Well, I figured I had better let y'all in on us...why we're here, who we are and just a little background for you. I guess it's best to start from the beginning huh, so here it goes.
We were married in May of 2000. Two weeks before we got married we found out we were already expecting. I was excited, no one knew except for me, Sean and my sister. Just a few days later we lost our baby. I was clueless, I had never been pregnant, never lost a baby and wasn't sure what to do. We just went on like usual, and still no one knew. After our honeymoon I was ready to be a mom. Soon after we got pregnant again, on Labor Day weekend actually! Everything was going along just fine and dandy then one day I just didn't feel "right". We went to the doctor and were told some of the worst news no one should hear. Our daughter, Avery, was gone. I was 26 wks pregnant. After more testing to make sure and a horribly long induction, our little 1 lb baby was born. Although tiny, she was perfect.
We got pregnant soon after again and had another semi-easy pregnancy. Well, the pregnancy was ok; it was my mental state that sucked. I was a nervous wreck...checking the toilet paper in the early stages of pregnancy, begging the baby later on to "just kick again, please", and then counting the minutes between contractions...way too soon. Our next daughter, Kenna, wanted out a little too early, at 30 weeks to be exact. So, I was put on bed rest and terbutaline for 8 weeks or so. I had weekly NST's and doctor's appointments, it was not fun, but it was necessary. Then I had to be induced, the irony of it, and Kenna came out just fine, sort of. My placenta looked like hell, Kenna wasn't breathing all that great but she was alive and screaming.
Our next baby, a son named Jackson, was a surprise. I was nervous from the beginning and nothing ever felt "right" about that pregnancy. I spotted from early on, was put on bed rest for a few days here and there for the bleeding, itched like crazy and didn't feel like everything was ok. You know, a mother's intuition...something just wasn't right. I woke up on August 16th sick, hurting like you can't imagine, I couldn't stand I was dizzy, throwing up and couldn't even really keep a coherent thought in my head. I was 26 wks again, D-day for us. It took us over an hour to get to the hospital since we lived in the middle of nowhere. By the time we got there I had been passing out in the car and didn't know it. As I was getting my vitals done I was throwing up again and thought my water had broken or I pee'd the bed (we're being honest here!). Little did I know that it wasn't amniotic fluid or urine, it was blood and a ton of it. My blood pressure crashed and the doc finally came in. Now this is where I add some more info about my doctor. This blog is not to bash him, diss him or slander the guy so I'll refrain from telling you his name, but he screwed up and BIG TIME! He was the one who delivered Kenna so I think he thought all was well, but he pretty much ignored me this entire pregnancy. He came in a long while after I had been at the hospital, he even knew I was coming; I had called him before we left our house. He finally realized how bad of shape I was in and finally did something about it. I had to have a central line put in, given too many pints of blood to count and eventually after 8-ish hours I went into an "emergency" c-section. Our son was gone; he was gone before we got to the hospital. Another baby gone, another 26 wk stillborn. I don't remember too much of that day since I was in and out of it, but I do remember telling the nurse before we knew for sure that Jackson was gone that "we'd already lost one baby, please don't say that we lost another". I was in ICU for a few days, the day after was when I woke up with the ventilator down my throat still asking the nurse what happened (writing it actually). She told me that the baby was gone, which I remembered already, told me I had a c-section, I remembered that too, told me I still had my uterus, which I was thankful for and told me that I went into DIC, which I won't spell out. After shift-change, the vent coming out and my oh so demeaning sponge bath, I asked my new nurse what really happened. He said something that I will never forget, "DIC...wow, we don't see many of you up here, most of y'all end up in the morgue."
While in the hospital I told Sean that I can't do this again, I couldn't be in the hospital going home with no baby again, I almost died...but the desire for more babies is apparently too much. We got pregnant again just this past month and three days later I woke up to another miscarriage. But, there is good news...
I finally have a new ob/gyn and a specialist who are in the process of doing tons of blood work. So, there's a brief, if you can call it that, history of us. This blog is about what the docs find out, how we will treat it and hopefully you can join us through a scary, nerve-wracking yet healthy pregnancy.
Thanks for reading!
