5 posts tagged “love”
Birthdays...I remember when they used to be a big deal. Hell, we just had our daughter's 6th b-day party a few weeks ago and it was a huge thing. I guess once you have kids/get older your birthday doesn't mean as much. Which depresses me. I've always been a huge birthday fan. I mean, what could be better than a day, a day all for you? Yeah...call me spoiled, call me selfish, I am dammit.
So, today...the big 2-9...but you know what, it's now just another Monday. Complete with the runs, work and a migrane. Ankle pain, stomach cramps and customer service phone work. Thank God I have awesome family and friends who still call/email to wish me a special day 'cause I didn't get no cake! LMAO!
Happy Birthday to ME!
I have a friend. Yes, I, have a friend. Anyway...we've been dear friends since high school. Poor girl was "the new girl" shortly after I carried that horrific name as well. I knew where she was coming from, I knew we would become friends and we did! We did some of the usual fun stuff together; going to a nearby town to go shopping, draggin' Main, jammin' to music in her old car (and I say old in a nice way, not old like beat up, but old like almost antique, it rocked!), getting way too shit faced during one New Years (we were underage). After high school, we were still friends. We did some of the usual fun college stuff together too; living together for a bit, working together at the grocery store and I'm sure we drank too!
Along the way we grew up and parted ways, all my fault. I suck at keeping phone numbers. She would track me down and we'd gab. I'd hang up smiling wondering why the hell I misplaced her number and reminding myself that I needed to call more often.
After a bit she moved to Oklahoma, I was married had a few angel babies and finally Kenna came. She too got preggers and had TWINS 2 1/2-ish years ago. It was amazing to me that she'd do the whole pregnancy thing, I forgot to add that she only has one kidney and has had all kinds of health issues. But here she was, pregnant with a boy and a girl. I saw them a few times and thought to myself only Melissa would have two gorgeous curly headed babies. Ashton and Zeaui; A to Z; Alpha to Omega; beginning to end.
In July I got a few calls from her and her mother. I was worried because they left messages on my cell, I never turn the damn thing on and when I finally did one day I had 3 or 4 messages where I could tell they tried to be calm. It's never a good thing when your friends MOTHER calls you, KWIM?
I thought maybe she's sick, maybe a baby is sick, but I'm sure all is well. I called her back ASAP. All wasn't well. Zeaui had passed away on July 3rd. My heart sank, I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't NOT cry. I didn't even talk to her while on the phone. I said something stupid and listened to her for a few moments then told her I'd call her later 'cause I had to go. I couldn't talk to my friend.
This is where my pain comes in...I didn't know what to say to her. You may think that's no big deal, but if I can't come up with something to say who the fuck can? I'v been through losses of babies; no I didn't know any of my babies for 2 1/2 years, that was the difference. I couldn't say it would be ok; it won't. I couldn't say I understood; I don't entirely. I couldn't say ANYTHING. Do you know what type of pain that entails? I've been the one that she would come to, during high school and early college, and I like to think that I helped her then. I like to think that I'm good at letting someone talk and maybe throwing out a few words of wisdom; this time there were none.
I called Vette and bawled...sobbed...hiccupped...I called Mom and bawled...sobbed...hiccupped...I called Sis and bawled...sobbed...hiccupped. I didn't sleep for a few days and was nauseated. I finally emailed her exactly what I was feeling, making me feel better but hoping it would make her feel better too, knowing she's not alone!
Please, please say a little prayer for her, her husband and her son. Let her know she's not alone, that people WILL remember Zeaui and smile when we see a picture of her or hear stories about her. Please let her know that people say stupid things (even friends). And please let her know that it won't be OK, but it will get better, eventually.
Someone in my family had a mammogram today. Someone in my family has to have a breast ultrasound soon to make sure the blurb on the mammogram is ok...and just a blurb. I'm worried that this blurb in someone's boob isn't just a blurb and is worse.
Someone else in my family has throat/nerve issues. Someone in my family had surgery last year to fuse some shit and it may have messed with a pretty important nerve in her neck/throat. I'm worried that this nerve issue in someone's neck will require more surgery.
Someone else in my family just got his Master's degree. Someone in my family has gone further in school than anyone thought. I'm bursting with pride for this someone.
Someone else in my family is having fertility issues. Someone in my family has been through such heartache because she cannot get pregnant. I know the pain this someone is going through and I wish I could do more.
Someone else in my family is different than I thought they were. Someone in my family has either changed with age or I have. I dearly miss the years I have thrown away with this person and have told him so.
Someone else in my family has to leave for two weeks. Someone in my family has to miss very important things in his family's life because of a sacrifice he made for us and this country. I'm grateful for what this person does for everyone.
Much love to all the someone's in everyone's lives.
I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for! I may not talk to each of them every day, and I may only see some of them a few times a year, but we are always there for each other.
There's this one friend we'll call Jennifer (since that's her name and all!). Jennifer and I grew up together. We met in the 7th grade, I think, and we were fighting over a boy. Funny 'cause I don't remember specifics like Jennifer does, but I do know that the boy is no longer a discussion and I have a best friend. We've been through a lot together; aforementioned boy(s), sneaking out, getting caught after sneaking out, school, fights and moving. We swore when I moved a state away that it would not change our friendship, although it did, it wasn't the END of the friendship. We grew up, lost touch for a few years (the fault of yours truly) and met up again after our weddings and my first few babies. Luckily I was able to be close by for her first daughter, just 6 months after Kenna. And I bugged the hell out of her during the birth of her second daughter. When Jackson was born she knew that I was in the hospital. Since that day was so shitty, I was in la-la land due to drugs and my mental state, I don't remember specifics on who called whom...I cannot remember if I called her and told her, if I had my sister call and tell her or what exactly, all I do remember is telling her not to worry that Jackson was gone but I was just going in for a "routine c-section". Being the shitty ass person I am; I forgot to tell Sean or my mother to call Fritter after my surgery to let her know I was ok. The poor girl, my best friend, had to find out by calling the hospital to talk to me and she gets transferred to the ICU nurse's station. It was just luck that it was visiting hours and my mom was just walking by the station and was told that I had a phone call...my mom had to fill Fritter in on everything. I felt like an ass.
Well, lo and behold I felt like an ass again just a few weeks ago. Jennifer found out about the baby factory and my doctor's visit via the blog and mass emails that I sent out. And she did the nicest thing a friend could do...she was grateful I have another friend to talk to (Vette). Even though Jennifer said it wasn't her that I talked to, at least I had someone that I could and did scream/yell/cry at. WOW! How selfless is she?!
Jennifer's gotten "soft" in her "old-age". I say this while I'm laughing my ass off, by the way. I was always the friend who cried at everything, was a hug-gy type of person and who wore her emotions on her sleeve. I'm not sure if having kids has softened her up, but she hugs me now, she cried with me at my step-dad's funeral and I KNOW she would have screamed and cried with me if I would have called her that shitty Monday a few weeks ago.
So, to all my friends, THANK YOU! And specifically for you, Jennifer, I truly am sorry for not calling you that day or every other day that I needed you. You are very important in my life, for which I am grateful. I cannot imagine life without you, nor would I want to honestly! I mean, come on…who would watch my kid, clean up poo as it had become play dough, then laugh and keep her again the next night?! I love you and thank you for everything!
Ok, so I have a friend who just cracks me up...we'll call her Yvette (LOL)...ya know since that's her name and all. She's a hoot...one of those friends who you call when you need a laugh, when you are in the hospital with gallstones and need a sitter, or just need a weekend away with the girls. She's my little firecracker...redheaded and all. She’s got three gorgeous kids and a very tall husband. But for some reason, she seems amazed by ME…me…why me…
Every time, or just about damn near, we talk or email there’s always a reference to me being the “woman of steel”…and it’s not ‘cause my rock hard ass either. To be quite honest it bothered me at the beginning. I’m so not made of steel, if I were my pregnancy issues would just bounce off of me with a cute little “ting” sound, I’d need an oil can instead of a Smirnoff Triple Black to get me “lubed-up” and come on…I’m not really a silver fan, more of a gold and diamonds girl. But I knew what she meant, she thinks of me as a strong person able to handle any and everything thrown at me. And I finally realized that in some ways, she may be a little right.
Now, before you think I’m sitting here tootin’ my own horn of steel, let me tell you that I’m not that strong. I’ve thought about many unpleasant things…some that would probably scare the be-Jesus out of my family, but it was that same friends and family who would be scared to know this who pulled me out of that. I have horrible days, days of the pity party, days of the wanting to be in bed crying, days of watching “A Baby Story” on TLC crying, days of google’ing, days of reading pregnancy and loss blogs/message boards crying…do you see a pattern?
Even with these crappy days I know I have to be here for Kenna and that I’m here for a reason. God is not punishing me for sneaking out of my house in Jr. High with Jennifer, God is not punishing me for cussing like a sailor; in no way shape or form is he punishing me. It’s actually a blessing because I know there is a Heaven now, I know that I have angels looking out for us and I know that I’m here for our daughter so she knows these things too. How many times have I heard the whole “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” and my favorite “God only gives us what we can handle”. I agree with those, completely. I still have my moments, my crappy days and I think I’m allowed to have those on occasion. I am not the strongest, I’m not the only “woman of steel”, I’m not the ONLY woman who has lost babies/children before, and there are millions of us out here.
I would not be the steel-y person I am today without my family and friends helping me along. I’m pretty sure I’d be tucked away nicely in a pretty off-white padded room. You are only as strong as the people you acquaint yourself with, that, my dear friends/family, says a lot about you too. So, thank you. I may actually be a woman of steel, but that is only because of my support system of steel. Love to you all!
