5 posts tagged “friends”
Birthdays...I remember when they used to be a big deal. Hell, we just had our daughter's 6th b-day party a few weeks ago and it was a huge thing. I guess once you have kids/get older your birthday doesn't mean as much. Which depresses me. I've always been a huge birthday fan. I mean, what could be better than a day, a day all for you? Yeah...call me spoiled, call me selfish, I am dammit.
So, today...the big 2-9...but you know what, it's now just another Monday. Complete with the runs, work and a migrane. Ankle pain, stomach cramps and customer service phone work. Thank God I have awesome family and friends who still call/email to wish me a special day 'cause I didn't get no cake! LMAO!
Happy Birthday to ME!
I have a friend. Yes, I, have a friend. Anyway...we've been dear friends since high school. Poor girl was "the new girl" shortly after I carried that horrific name as well. I knew where she was coming from, I knew we would become friends and we did! We did some of the usual fun stuff together; going to a nearby town to go shopping, draggin' Main, jammin' to music in her old car (and I say old in a nice way, not old like beat up, but old like almost antique, it rocked!), getting way too shit faced during one New Years (we were underage). After high school, we were still friends. We did some of the usual fun college stuff together too; living together for a bit, working together at the grocery store and I'm sure we drank too!
Along the way we grew up and parted ways, all my fault. I suck at keeping phone numbers. She would track me down and we'd gab. I'd hang up smiling wondering why the hell I misplaced her number and reminding myself that I needed to call more often.
After a bit she moved to Oklahoma, I was married had a few angel babies and finally Kenna came. She too got preggers and had TWINS 2 1/2-ish years ago. It was amazing to me that she'd do the whole pregnancy thing, I forgot to add that she only has one kidney and has had all kinds of health issues. But here she was, pregnant with a boy and a girl. I saw them a few times and thought to myself only Melissa would have two gorgeous curly headed babies. Ashton and Zeaui; A to Z; Alpha to Omega; beginning to end.
In July I got a few calls from her and her mother. I was worried because they left messages on my cell, I never turn the damn thing on and when I finally did one day I had 3 or 4 messages where I could tell they tried to be calm. It's never a good thing when your friends MOTHER calls you, KWIM?
I thought maybe she's sick, maybe a baby is sick, but I'm sure all is well. I called her back ASAP. All wasn't well. Zeaui had passed away on July 3rd. My heart sank, I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't NOT cry. I didn't even talk to her while on the phone. I said something stupid and listened to her for a few moments then told her I'd call her later 'cause I had to go. I couldn't talk to my friend.
This is where my pain comes in...I didn't know what to say to her. You may think that's no big deal, but if I can't come up with something to say who the fuck can? I'v been through losses of babies; no I didn't know any of my babies for 2 1/2 years, that was the difference. I couldn't say it would be ok; it won't. I couldn't say I understood; I don't entirely. I couldn't say ANYTHING. Do you know what type of pain that entails? I've been the one that she would come to, during high school and early college, and I like to think that I helped her then. I like to think that I'm good at letting someone talk and maybe throwing out a few words of wisdom; this time there were none.
I called Vette and bawled...sobbed...hiccupped...I called Mom and bawled...sobbed...hiccupped...I called Sis and bawled...sobbed...hiccupped. I didn't sleep for a few days and was nauseated. I finally emailed her exactly what I was feeling, making me feel better but hoping it would make her feel better too, knowing she's not alone!
Please, please say a little prayer for her, her husband and her son. Let her know she's not alone, that people WILL remember Zeaui and smile when we see a picture of her or hear stories about her. Please let her know that people say stupid things (even friends). And please let her know that it won't be OK, but it will get better, eventually.
Sorry 'bout that! It's been a month and I have to admit, it's been a great month! What's Scrappening had a GREAT National Scrapbook Day crop. We hosted one in person and one online. Bunches of fun was had by all. We're also gearing up for CHA in July. It'll be our first time to CHA and our first time to Chicago, I know I'm looking forward to it.
My best friend from 7th grade (yeah, we've been friends for more than half our lives now!) graduated from college while I was up in Tulsa too. I am so proud of her, I mean she's got two kids, husband, house and was working on her own business too while wrapping up college. It takes a strong person to do that and she's my inspiration and what I look to when I'm in school. Not only is she a wonderful friend, whom I can call and BS or cry to, but she's damn smart and has a wonderful head on her shoulders too. Seeing her walk across that stage when they called her name got me. I got teary-eyed. Surprisingly I didn't cry, but the sting of tears was present. I kept telling her that I was jealous of her and making jokes about me taking forever in school, but that's not all I was feeling. I was feeling pride, respect, happiness and even relief. Pride: she's my friend, she's Fritter and will always be Fritter. Respect: that she did it and she did it well! Happiness: reaching that milestone and seeing her smile on that stage even from where we were. Relief: she did it and I know I can too. I just have so many words and feelings about that day and I say them all with a smile on my face, a tear in my eye and a giggle in my voice because she did it and I'm honored to call her my best friend.
Before that Tulsa trip I had finally come to the conculsion that I needed mental help. Yeah yeah, insert joke here! But I really honestly did need help and Sean helped me see that. Every year we've been married we've had something go terribly wrong or change drastically and the last blow was in October when my fertility was ripped from me as I sat in that doctors office. I didn't realize how much that all had piled on me or hurt me, I kept it deep down and rarely realeased it. It came to a head and I had to do something before losing my family; child and husband. I made an appointment with my family practioner and told him everything I was feeling from the depression, the tiredness, the horrible headaches and aches and pain to the not wanting to leave the house for fear something would happen to Kenna or me. It was one of the hardest things to tell someone, to let them know what's deep in your head and heart and know that those feelings are not "right" but knowing someone needed to know or else you'd explode. I tell you all here because I think mental health issues need to be out in the open, there's such a taboo around them that it's unfair to those suffering because it just adds to the pain. My doctor was/is wonderful. He listened attentively, asked questions about how long I've been feeling like this, what I've been through and what I want to do to help myself. He finally dignosed me with Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and put me on meds. I won't go into which one but if you're feeling the way I was and want to know what is working for me, please PM me and I'd be happy to tell you which. He gave me a month of samples of my happy drug and told me to find a councelor. I also explained that I don't want to be on my happy drugs for forever, we agreed that 6-8 months of the happy drug therapy would be just fine, but we'd discuss that at 6 months.
I've been on the drugs for almost one month now and I'm finally myself again. I'm happy, I go places with Kenna, I'm enjoying my daughter and she's enjoying her new (old) momma. This is the best thing I've done in a long time and I'm ready to take the world head on. I'm ready to be a good wife and mom again, I'm ready to graduate, I'm ready to kick ass at the business and I'm ready to be ME! I've been through a hell of a lot, too much for any person if you ask me and it's ok to get help. So, please know that any type of mental health issue is NOT an issue! Talk to someone you trust and get the help you need, you'll be surprised how wonderful you feel.
I've cried while typing this because it is still hard to talk about these things. I still feel, but I'm coping much better than I ever was. The drugs have some not so fun side-effects. Profuse sweating (and in South Texas in the summer that's so not what a woman needs!), lack of sex-drive, difficulty in reaching orgasm, dry mouth, etc...but I've decided that sweaty sex that lasts longer 'cause I can't climax easily isn't such a bad thing! LMAO!
I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for! I may not talk to each of them every day, and I may only see some of them a few times a year, but we are always there for each other.
There's this one friend we'll call Jennifer (since that's her name and all!). Jennifer and I grew up together. We met in the 7th grade, I think, and we were fighting over a boy. Funny 'cause I don't remember specifics like Jennifer does, but I do know that the boy is no longer a discussion and I have a best friend. We've been through a lot together; aforementioned boy(s), sneaking out, getting caught after sneaking out, school, fights and moving. We swore when I moved a state away that it would not change our friendship, although it did, it wasn't the END of the friendship. We grew up, lost touch for a few years (the fault of yours truly) and met up again after our weddings and my first few babies. Luckily I was able to be close by for her first daughter, just 6 months after Kenna. And I bugged the hell out of her during the birth of her second daughter. When Jackson was born she knew that I was in the hospital. Since that day was so shitty, I was in la-la land due to drugs and my mental state, I don't remember specifics on who called whom...I cannot remember if I called her and told her, if I had my sister call and tell her or what exactly, all I do remember is telling her not to worry that Jackson was gone but I was just going in for a "routine c-section". Being the shitty ass person I am; I forgot to tell Sean or my mother to call Fritter after my surgery to let her know I was ok. The poor girl, my best friend, had to find out by calling the hospital to talk to me and she gets transferred to the ICU nurse's station. It was just luck that it was visiting hours and my mom was just walking by the station and was told that I had a phone call...my mom had to fill Fritter in on everything. I felt like an ass.
Well, lo and behold I felt like an ass again just a few weeks ago. Jennifer found out about the baby factory and my doctor's visit via the blog and mass emails that I sent out. And she did the nicest thing a friend could do...she was grateful I have another friend to talk to (Vette). Even though Jennifer said it wasn't her that I talked to, at least I had someone that I could and did scream/yell/cry at. WOW! How selfless is she?!
Jennifer's gotten "soft" in her "old-age". I say this while I'm laughing my ass off, by the way. I was always the friend who cried at everything, was a hug-gy type of person and who wore her emotions on her sleeve. I'm not sure if having kids has softened her up, but she hugs me now, she cried with me at my step-dad's funeral and I KNOW she would have screamed and cried with me if I would have called her that shitty Monday a few weeks ago.
So, to all my friends, THANK YOU! And specifically for you, Jennifer, I truly am sorry for not calling you that day or every other day that I needed you. You are very important in my life, for which I am grateful. I cannot imagine life without you, nor would I want to honestly! I mean, come on…who would watch my kid, clean up poo as it had become play dough, then laugh and keep her again the next night?! I love you and thank you for everything!
Ok, so I have a friend who just cracks me up...we'll call her Yvette (LOL)...ya know since that's her name and all. She's a hoot...one of those friends who you call when you need a laugh, when you are in the hospital with gallstones and need a sitter, or just need a weekend away with the girls. She's my little firecracker...redheaded and all. She’s got three gorgeous kids and a very tall husband. But for some reason, she seems amazed by ME…me…why me…
Every time, or just about damn near, we talk or email there’s always a reference to me being the “woman of steel”…and it’s not ‘cause my rock hard ass either. To be quite honest it bothered me at the beginning. I’m so not made of steel, if I were my pregnancy issues would just bounce off of me with a cute little “ting” sound, I’d need an oil can instead of a Smirnoff Triple Black to get me “lubed-up” and come on…I’m not really a silver fan, more of a gold and diamonds girl. But I knew what she meant, she thinks of me as a strong person able to handle any and everything thrown at me. And I finally realized that in some ways, she may be a little right.
Now, before you think I’m sitting here tootin’ my own horn of steel, let me tell you that I’m not that strong. I’ve thought about many unpleasant things…some that would probably scare the be-Jesus out of my family, but it was that same friends and family who would be scared to know this who pulled me out of that. I have horrible days, days of the pity party, days of the wanting to be in bed crying, days of watching “A Baby Story” on TLC crying, days of google’ing, days of reading pregnancy and loss blogs/message boards crying…do you see a pattern?
Even with these crappy days I know I have to be here for Kenna and that I’m here for a reason. God is not punishing me for sneaking out of my house in Jr. High with Jennifer, God is not punishing me for cussing like a sailor; in no way shape or form is he punishing me. It’s actually a blessing because I know there is a Heaven now, I know that I have angels looking out for us and I know that I’m here for our daughter so she knows these things too. How many times have I heard the whole “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger” and my favorite “God only gives us what we can handle”. I agree with those, completely. I still have my moments, my crappy days and I think I’m allowed to have those on occasion. I am not the strongest, I’m not the only “woman of steel”, I’m not the ONLY woman who has lost babies/children before, and there are millions of us out here.
I would not be the steel-y person I am today without my family and friends helping me along. I’m pretty sure I’d be tucked away nicely in a pretty off-white padded room. You are only as strong as the people you acquaint yourself with, that, my dear friends/family, says a lot about you too. So, thank you. I may actually be a woman of steel, but that is only because of my support system of steel. Love to you all!
