4 posts tagged “depression”
Well today was my Psych eval for the SCS. I really like this doc, he specializes in chronic pain and depression that comes with it. We dove way into my history, ie where I was from, what age was I when my parents divorced, etc. I never knew it was going to be so deep. I cried and finally opened up, which the doc was pretty happy about it. He said he knew it was hard to open up about all kinds of stuff to someone you just met but he was very supportive. He was also totally amazed that I've only seen a councelor 2x, after the death of Jackson. He wants to see if he can get approval for 8 sessions because he feels like after this SCS or even to fight the chronic pain I need to work on my depression, which I agree.
He was so easy to talk to and it was like he totally understood what I was feeling and what the pain was like. Luckily I have my sis and other family to talk to about the pain, but the only one to understand chronic pain is Sis, since she deals with it. Everyone else can just listen (which is awesome and I'm glad I have it), but they don't KNOW what it's like to live with. It's nice to now have two people in my corner that understand.
He approved me for the SCS, now it's just waiting to see if the Work Comp will allow it. I did tell him I was worried about having a TENS like unit placed in my back when the real TENS unit on my ankle/foot hurts like hell. He said to talk to my pain doc, so I will soon about that.
So, here's to hoping that we get something approved and this works.
Birthdays...I remember when they used to be a big deal. Hell, we just had our daughter's 6th b-day party a few weeks ago and it was a huge thing. I guess once you have kids/get older your birthday doesn't mean as much. Which depresses me. I've always been a huge birthday fan. I mean, what could be better than a day, a day all for you? Yeah...call me spoiled, call me selfish, I am dammit.
So, today...the big 2-9...but you know what, it's now just another Monday. Complete with the runs, work and a migrane. Ankle pain, stomach cramps and customer service phone work. Thank God I have awesome family and friends who still call/email to wish me a special day 'cause I didn't get no cake! LMAO!
Happy Birthday to ME!
Sorry 'bout that! It's been a month and I have to admit, it's been a great month! What's Scrappening had a GREAT National Scrapbook Day crop. We hosted one in person and one online. Bunches of fun was had by all. We're also gearing up for CHA in July. It'll be our first time to CHA and our first time to Chicago, I know I'm looking forward to it.
My best friend from 7th grade (yeah, we've been friends for more than half our lives now!) graduated from college while I was up in Tulsa too. I am so proud of her, I mean she's got two kids, husband, house and was working on her own business too while wrapping up college. It takes a strong person to do that and she's my inspiration and what I look to when I'm in school. Not only is she a wonderful friend, whom I can call and BS or cry to, but she's damn smart and has a wonderful head on her shoulders too. Seeing her walk across that stage when they called her name got me. I got teary-eyed. Surprisingly I didn't cry, but the sting of tears was present. I kept telling her that I was jealous of her and making jokes about me taking forever in school, but that's not all I was feeling. I was feeling pride, respect, happiness and even relief. Pride: she's my friend, she's Fritter and will always be Fritter. Respect: that she did it and she did it well! Happiness: reaching that milestone and seeing her smile on that stage even from where we were. Relief: she did it and I know I can too. I just have so many words and feelings about that day and I say them all with a smile on my face, a tear in my eye and a giggle in my voice because she did it and I'm honored to call her my best friend.
Before that Tulsa trip I had finally come to the conculsion that I needed mental help. Yeah yeah, insert joke here! But I really honestly did need help and Sean helped me see that. Every year we've been married we've had something go terribly wrong or change drastically and the last blow was in October when my fertility was ripped from me as I sat in that doctors office. I didn't realize how much that all had piled on me or hurt me, I kept it deep down and rarely realeased it. It came to a head and I had to do something before losing my family; child and husband. I made an appointment with my family practioner and told him everything I was feeling from the depression, the tiredness, the horrible headaches and aches and pain to the not wanting to leave the house for fear something would happen to Kenna or me. It was one of the hardest things to tell someone, to let them know what's deep in your head and heart and know that those feelings are not "right" but knowing someone needed to know or else you'd explode. I tell you all here because I think mental health issues need to be out in the open, there's such a taboo around them that it's unfair to those suffering because it just adds to the pain. My doctor was/is wonderful. He listened attentively, asked questions about how long I've been feeling like this, what I've been through and what I want to do to help myself. He finally dignosed me with Depression and Generalized Anxiety Disorder and put me on meds. I won't go into which one but if you're feeling the way I was and want to know what is working for me, please PM me and I'd be happy to tell you which. He gave me a month of samples of my happy drug and told me to find a councelor. I also explained that I don't want to be on my happy drugs for forever, we agreed that 6-8 months of the happy drug therapy would be just fine, but we'd discuss that at 6 months.
I've been on the drugs for almost one month now and I'm finally myself again. I'm happy, I go places with Kenna, I'm enjoying my daughter and she's enjoying her new (old) momma. This is the best thing I've done in a long time and I'm ready to take the world head on. I'm ready to be a good wife and mom again, I'm ready to graduate, I'm ready to kick ass at the business and I'm ready to be ME! I've been through a hell of a lot, too much for any person if you ask me and it's ok to get help. So, please know that any type of mental health issue is NOT an issue! Talk to someone you trust and get the help you need, you'll be surprised how wonderful you feel.
I've cried while typing this because it is still hard to talk about these things. I still feel, but I'm coping much better than I ever was. The drugs have some not so fun side-effects. Profuse sweating (and in South Texas in the summer that's so not what a woman needs!), lack of sex-drive, difficulty in reaching orgasm, dry mouth, etc...but I've decided that sweaty sex that lasts longer 'cause I can't climax easily isn't such a bad thing! LMAO!
* Preface * Ok, so my mom said I missed my calling, I should have become a writer she says. Well, now she jinxed me. I can’t come up with crap to write…yes I can come up with many ideas I want to blog about, but the words have left me. This may not be the best blog ever so just bear with me…
A fork, a fork! I’m at that point, standing in the road looking left…then right…then left again…then right again…which way do I go? Good news, the ringer on the phone is back on; bad news, I still may not answer it. Good news, I didn’t cry yesterday; bad news, I did today. Good news, Auntie Flo showed today; bad news, seeing that just made it ever so clear again that I’m not having anymore kids. See, it’s that damn two steps forward, one evil step back thing…and I’m not dancing around with some fox/wolf thing like Paula Abdul did. I’m more like dancing with myself and I must say I’m not that bad of a partner, since I tend to lead. Which way do I go?...
There are so many questions out there and everyone seems to have an answer for us; adopt, have Sean’s nuts cut, don’t make any decisions yet, IUD for me, etc. I know that this may hurt some of my faithful but…we’re adults. Yes I like advice, when asked for. Yes I like hearing other’s opinions, even if sometimes I don’t really listen. But we are capable of making up our own minds on this one. People are coming out of the woodwork, thanks to this blog, that I haven’t heard from in YEARS…telling me that Sean should head towards the big V and I don’t mean Vancouver. People are telling me that it takes years to adopt, “better get started on that paperwork now girl.” I’ve heard that more than half of marriages end when people go through what we have (don’t 50% end in divorce anyway people?) . I’ve heard that IUD’s scare people, honestly a little piece of plastic/copper/whatever the fuck stuff inside of my uterus scares me too, but the thought of having another child scares me more at this point. We really don’t want to do anything permanent yet, and I’m being selfish there. You cannot imagine the guilt that if in 5 years there’s some new medical advances to find and treat whatever is wrong with me and one or both of us are snipped or otherwise. I can deal with alternate means of birth control for a bit longer. Which way do I go?...
You gotta love the internet. Without it I would not be able to speak as often as I do to some people, I wouldn’t be able to have a great new business (see www.WhatsScrappening.com) with my wonderful sister, I wouldn’t be able to take college classes, and I wouldn’t be able to fill out the preliminary paperwork for an adoption center in Fort Worth. Which way do I go?...
White babies, black babies, mixed race babies, international adoption, domestic adoption, and agency assisted adoption…ACK! It’s enough to make someone scream. But we took the fork marked “Adoption - $25,000 ahead”. I will have plenty to say on the whole adoption scene, but for now just be happy for us that we’ve decided this, just be happy that neither of us are “going under the knife” and please just be happy. We found which way we’re supposed to go!
