Of the new banner?
I have a few blogs that I read daily. It's like they are my friends and their blogs keep me informed. One recent post on one of the blogs asked for the readers to visit or pray for another in the blogging community. She had just lost her twin boys around the middle of her pregnancy. I have no clue the exact reasons but my heart went out to her and I emailed her my story, just to let her know she was not alone.
She wrote a very painful and raw post on Mother's day which got me thinking. I've been meaning to write something like this for a while but it's hard to put into words, so you'll have to bear with me when I ramble.
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When a mother, a family, loses a child no matter what age it hurts, hurts like hell. But you know, as cliche as this is, it will get better. Having losses in 2000, 2001, 2004 and 2006 I know a little on the subject. For those just joining or just finding me, the babies in 2000 and 2006 were early miscarriages which happened on their own; the 2001 child was our first daughter, Avery and in 2004 our son Jackson. Both stillborn at 26 weeks.
But, back to what I was saying. It'll get better. It still hurts and I still cry but it's not as raw. It's not burning like salt on a wound, it's not uncontrolled sobbing much anymore and the anger is not as deep. I do not want you to think that I am happy every day, I do not want you to think that I never think of my babies, nor do I want you to think that I don't care. But it's DIFFERENT than it was in the early 2000's...hell, even just a few years ago. I think of my angels every single day, I'm even fighting tears as I write this. But now, after these hard and excruciating years, it's a different cry. You will forever miss your child, whether they were miscarriages that you didn't get to meet, stillborns that were already gone, children you got to have in your life for longer or even older children. There's one thing...parent's should never have to bury THIER children. I still get mad that I had to pick out two headstones, but I got to do something that I bet you never have, I've got to hold not one angel, but two!
God did not give you this child and take him/her from you to teach you a lesson, to be mean. God has our children because they were destined for something better. Now, go ahead and disagree with me because NO I do not intend to know exactly what God does and why, but I do know that without these angels in my life I wouldn't know some people I do today. Think about how often you hear now of someone losing a child? People are more open about it now and it's wonderful, for a sad reason. Avery and Jackson have brought some awesome people in my life, have allowed me to really truly and honestly know what someone is going through when they lose a child, have given me the ability to share my story to hopefully help other families in this situation and have also let me come closer to God. I got to hold his angels, I got to carry his angels and I helped grow some of his angels.
Now, again, don't get me wrong, I hated Him for a while, but I now understand a little more and realize that even with all this shitty pain, depression, anxiety, taking my fears out on Kenna and everything else that has changed in me since my first loss, I'M FRICKIN' SPECIAL! My babies have some really great other kids to play with up There...I have angels to watch over me all the time.
In all my rambling I hope this makes sense. If you've had a miscarriage and didn't know the sex of the child you carried, still, give him/her a name. It'll make it easier, even if it's a nickname. Cherish and always think of the time you did have with your child, no matter when they passed. I promise, it will get better, easier in some way on each angelversary. You will still cry, you will still be mad, you will still laugh then be mad at yourself for laughing, but it's ok. Smile because you got to hold an angel....in your arms or your womb and your HEART!
I ask you this, my awesome readers...Have you held an angel, 'cause I have!
I'm addicted to digital scrapbook goodies. I search high and low for freebies and templates, then I go and buy tons of stuff. You do NOT want to know how many zip files I have that need unzipping for me to play with all the new pretties I have for my layouts...
Wonder if there's a DSA...digital scrappers anonymous...although, if I post my problem here it's not so anonymous AND...admitting you have a problem is the first step! LMAO!
Here's my May desktop wallpaper...
I also just realized that I never posted my April wallpaper...I used the same calendar just changed dates...
Short and sweet, I still hurt. I start PT tomorrow. I fell down the stairs yesterday (my ankle gave out). Sucks...hurts. That's it.
You know Mother's day was yesterday. Although it was a wonderful day including sleeping in, flowers and cards picked out from Kenna and Sean, a nice dinner with dessert and tons of cute little notes from Kenna all day (i.e. I love you mom) it also had a tinge of sadness too.
This special holiday for us moms has been a good one for the past 5 years for me because of Kenna. I'm so happy that she's now getting older to write me notes and honestly tell me that she loves me. It always makes me laugh and I'm so blessed.
While I'm happy to have Kenna here it always enters my mind that I should have at least 2 more children to write me notes on this day too. I remember my FIRST mother's day after Avery was born. I went to my old place of work, the local grocery store, and one of my previous co-workers knew I had been preggo but didn't know of the ins and outs of Avery's birth/passing. So, we were there with some friends to get stuff to cook out, because Sean and our neighbors wanted me to have a happy day, remembering our daughter. This old co-worker checking us out told me "Happy Mother's Day". I politely said thank you and walked to the car. I sat in the back and bawled like a baby. Yes I was a mother, even then when Avery was in heaven, I didn't feel like it, it was a slap in the face. In a way that pain still comes creeping in on this special day. I hurt still, I hurt for others in my situation who have lost babies and I hurt for MY babies. I'm sure it'll still be painful every year, but I'm just so so so so so...did I say so, THANKFUL for McKenna!
Oh man, I'm so excited. I get to see Neil Diamond again in October and couldn't be happier! My gramma, mom, step-dad, aunt, cousin and sister are all going and I'm stoked! His new album Home Before Dark rocks my world too!
I have this great friend. She has been a friend for over 7 years now. I knew from the moment our eyes met that we would become lifelong friends. I just knew. She has been there through everything in our lives, the loss of two children, the birth and life of Kenna, moves, injuries...you name it and she's there. She always is there when I call her and she never argues. She listens when I need her to, she endures hugs or squishes when I need them. She always makes me laugh and she acts like a kid. She does come between me and Sean sometimes, but it doesn't last long. She never has had kids so she loves Kenna like she's her own and the feeling is mutual with Kenna. She's getting a little older, more grey hair, but really who am I to say anything bad about grey hair! She's also getting a little pudgy, but again, who am I to say anything about that?
Here's a pic that Kenna took of our friend!
