Just an update quickly because I'm too pissed and crying too much to write a real post. Anyway, I was fired today due to consecutive absenses. I'm not happy.
Well today was my Psych eval for the SCS. I really like this doc, he specializes in chronic pain and depression that comes with it. We dove way into my history, ie where I was from, what age was I when my parents divorced, etc. I never knew it was going to be so deep. I cried and finally opened up, which the doc was pretty happy about it. He said he knew it was hard to open up about all kinds of stuff to someone you just met but he was very supportive. He was also totally amazed that I've only seen a councelor 2x, after the death of Jackson. He wants to see if he can get approval for 8 sessions because he feels like after this SCS or even to fight the chronic pain I need to work on my depression, which I agree.
He was so easy to talk to and it was like he totally understood what I was feeling and what the pain was like. Luckily I have my sis and other family to talk to about the pain, but the only one to understand chronic pain is Sis, since she deals with it. Everyone else can just listen (which is awesome and I'm glad I have it), but they don't KNOW what it's like to live with. It's nice to now have two people in my corner that understand.
He approved me for the SCS, now it's just waiting to see if the Work Comp will allow it. I did tell him I was worried about having a TENS like unit placed in my back when the real TENS unit on my ankle/foot hurts like hell. He said to talk to my pain doc, so I will soon about that.
So, here's to hoping that we get something approved and this works.
This insomnia has to end. Seriously I usually do an every other night thing...one night I sleep like the dead the next night I'm up all night long and over and over. I'm even on meds, heavy sleeping meds and they don't work. The pain from the RSD is now going up my leg more and all over my toes (it used to be the top of my foot up to my ankle and ended at my toes). The bottom of my foot is now hurting like a burning pain. How am I supposed to walk if the bottom of my foot hurts?
I have an appt either today (monday, since it's 2 am!) or tomorrow with the psych doc to see if he thinks I'm ok for the spinal cord stimulator. But I've done research on the SCS and it's like a tens unit placed in your back. That worries me all over again because when I wear my tens on my foot/ankle I can barely stand it, it doesn't help it actualy hurts more. So if the SCS is like a TENS is it really going to help? Should I go through all this (1 wk trial with no shower, psych evals and $30K of WC) for possibly more pain? It works in 65-75% of people with RSD. (* pity party alert, warning) Knowing me I'll be in the 25-ish% that it won't work on.
And to top it off I have a growth on my back (the back of my shoulder). I noticed it, actually sis the nurse noticed it, last summer but it was small. Kenna saw it today and was grossed out. It's much bigger now (it's still only the size of a pencil eraser) than it was. It's not painful but kind of hard. So now I get to call a dermatologist tomorrow to see if I can get in sometime this century.
I promise in the next few days I'll try and update with a better topic. Either that or more digi pages since I do them when I can't sleep! LMAO!
OH yeah, I'm also applying for disability. It's a long shot but if anyone has any advice or knowledge on the subject could you message me? Thanks!
Yip, so another month has now gone by. Here's June's calendar I made with pics of this weekend's fun (sis came to visit!).
OMG...I'm so stoked. My sis, nephew and myself went ghost hunting this weekend. It was a blast!
Also totally cool....we met Steve from Ghost Hunters on TV. He was in town for a convention and he was the nicest coolest guy ever! He talked to us and took a pic even though I know he had to get back after the break. Then as we were walking off he came haulin' ass back to us with a ton of their (TAPS) mags. He gave one to each of us, so he totally went out of his way to bring those to us. I mean...a class-act guy! CLASS ACT! Oh and ignore the fatty in the pink to Steve's right! LMAO!
Of the new banner?
I have a few blogs that I read daily. It's like they are my friends and their blogs keep me informed. One recent post on one of the blogs asked for the readers to visit or pray for another in the blogging community. She had just lost her twin boys around the middle of her pregnancy. I have no clue the exact reasons but my heart went out to her and I emailed her my story, just to let her know she was not alone.
She wrote a very painful and raw post on Mother's day which got me thinking. I've been meaning to write something like this for a while but it's hard to put into words, so you'll have to bear with me when I ramble.
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When a mother, a family, loses a child no matter what age it hurts, hurts like hell. But you know, as cliche as this is, it will get better. Having losses in 2000, 2001, 2004 and 2006 I know a little on the subject. For those just joining or just finding me, the babies in 2000 and 2006 were early miscarriages which happened on their own; the 2001 child was our first daughter, Avery and in 2004 our son Jackson. Both stillborn at 26 weeks.
But, back to what I was saying. It'll get better. It still hurts and I still cry but it's not as raw. It's not burning like salt on a wound, it's not uncontrolled sobbing much anymore and the anger is not as deep. I do not want you to think that I am happy every day, I do not want you to think that I never think of my babies, nor do I want you to think that I don't care. But it's DIFFERENT than it was in the early 2000's...hell, even just a few years ago. I think of my angels every single day, I'm even fighting tears as I write this. But now, after these hard and excruciating years, it's a different cry. You will forever miss your child, whether they were miscarriages that you didn't get to meet, stillborns that were already gone, children you got to have in your life for longer or even older children. There's one thing...parent's should never have to bury THIER children. I still get mad that I had to pick out two headstones, but I got to do something that I bet you never have, I've got to hold not one angel, but two!
God did not give you this child and take him/her from you to teach you a lesson, to be mean. God has our children because they were destined for something better. Now, go ahead and disagree with me because NO I do not intend to know exactly what God does and why, but I do know that without these angels in my life I wouldn't know some people I do today. Think about how often you hear now of someone losing a child? People are more open about it now and it's wonderful, for a sad reason. Avery and Jackson have brought some awesome people in my life, have allowed me to really truly and honestly know what someone is going through when they lose a child, have given me the ability to share my story to hopefully help other families in this situation and have also let me come closer to God. I got to hold his angels, I got to carry his angels and I helped grow some of his angels.
Now, again, don't get me wrong, I hated Him for a while, but I now understand a little more and realize that even with all this shitty pain, depression, anxiety, taking my fears out on Kenna and everything else that has changed in me since my first loss, I'M FRICKIN' SPECIAL! My babies have some really great other kids to play with up There...I have angels to watch over me all the time.
In all my rambling I hope this makes sense. If you've had a miscarriage and didn't know the sex of the child you carried, still, give him/her a name. It'll make it easier, even if it's a nickname. Cherish and always think of the time you did have with your child, no matter when they passed. I promise, it will get better, easier in some way on each angelversary. You will still cry, you will still be mad, you will still laugh then be mad at yourself for laughing, but it's ok. Smile because you got to hold an angel....in your arms or your womb and your HEART!
I ask you this, my awesome readers...Have you held an angel, 'cause I have!
I'm addicted to digital scrapbook goodies. I search high and low for freebies and templates, then I go and buy tons of stuff. You do NOT want to know how many zip files I have that need unzipping for me to play with all the new pretties I have for my layouts...
Wonder if there's a DSA...digital scrappers anonymous...although, if I post my problem here it's not so anonymous AND...admitting you have a problem is the first step! LMAO!
Here's my May desktop wallpaper...
I also just realized that I never posted my April wallpaper...I used the same calendar just changed dates...
Short and sweet, I still hurt. I start PT tomorrow. I fell down the stairs yesterday (my ankle gave out). Sucks...hurts. That's it.
You know Mother's day was yesterday. Although it was a wonderful day including sleeping in, flowers and cards picked out from Kenna and Sean, a nice dinner with dessert and tons of cute little notes from Kenna all day (i.e. I love you mom) it also had a tinge of sadness too.
This special holiday for us moms has been a good one for the past 5 years for me because of Kenna. I'm so happy that she's now getting older to write me notes and honestly tell me that she loves me. It always makes me laugh and I'm so blessed.
While I'm happy to have Kenna here it always enters my mind that I should have at least 2 more children to write me notes on this day too. I remember my FIRST mother's day after Avery was born. I went to my old place of work, the local grocery store, and one of my previous co-workers knew I had been preggo but didn't know of the ins and outs of Avery's birth/passing. So, we were there with some friends to get stuff to cook out, because Sean and our neighbors wanted me to have a happy day, remembering our daughter. This old co-worker checking us out told me "Happy Mother's Day". I politely said thank you and walked to the car. I sat in the back and bawled like a baby. Yes I was a mother, even then when Avery was in heaven, I didn't feel like it, it was a slap in the face. In a way that pain still comes creeping in on this special day. I hurt still, I hurt for others in my situation who have lost babies and I hurt for MY babies. I'm sure it'll still be painful every year, but I'm just so so so so so...did I say so, THANKFUL for McKenna!
