I'm not sure if...
I should change the name of my blog. Yes, I'm screwed up, but no I'm not happy about it. For some reason I'm at a loss for words for this entry. Maybe it's because I have a killer headache, maybe it's because I've cried since about 1:30 today, maybe it's just because if I blog about it it will become more real.
I got some news today from my doc, and I'm sure you all can tell it is not good news at all. Basically we know something is wrong with me, but we can't find it. The tests for the problems that are fixable all came back negative. So, the doc ran more tests today. But the shitty thing about the tests ran today is this; THESE ISSUES AREN'T FIXABLE. Even if they come back positive and we finally know what's wrong with me, you can't take a pill for them, you can't just be watched closely, so basically I'm screwed.
Then she (the doc) hits me with numbers. Now, remember I'm an accounting major, numbers are MY thing, but these numbers scare me this time. 45% chance if I do get pregnant again it will end in a stillborn or loss of some sort...20% chance that if I do get pregnant I'll be the one dying. Yeah...a 20% chance of me not making it through the pregnancy...and almost 50% of the baby not. The doc then told me that if she were my husband, she wouldn't let me get pregnant again. If we did decide we want to do this, she refuses to be my doc because "she does not want to see me die". She doesn't even recommend surrogacy. So, as much as I hate to say it, the baby factory is closed for us.
We have our one beautiful and sometimes moody daughter and I'm so thankful for her. Why God chose to let me have her and not our others I will never know. What I do know is that I'm lucky to have her, even when she has a toddler melt-down, I'm still lucky. She keeps saying that when she "grows big" she's going to be a sister, man how I want to give her that. I've googled ('cause Google is my second husband) an adoption agency. I dunno about you all, but I don’t have $25K lying around. I guess it’s possible to get it. And I’m ok with waiting for years to get our baby, I think. I’m not sure if I’m ready for the “frustration” of adoption, you never hear really good things about it. People always spend a fortune of time and money, then they finally get the baby and something happens and the birth mother takes the baby back, I’m not sure if I can handle that disappointment again.
I guess we have a lot to think about, a lot to research and a lot to discuss. I have more grieving, more crying and more screaming to do before we really decide something, but you all know how impatient I am…guess I’ll have to get over it and just learn to wait for a while longer.
I can’t help but feel sorry for myself, have me a little pity party complete with hats and kegs of beer, but then Kenna comes walking in the room and all I can do is smile and cry. I’m so pissed at pregnant people….while cute and adorable; they piss me off because I’m not one of them and won’t ever be again. I’m angry because someone is telling me that I CAN’T DO SOMETHING…hello that just makes it worse. I’m tired of well-meaning people who keep saying that we can adopt because there are plenty of babies out there that need our love, it’s true, but I don’t want to hear that now. It’s just like when we lost Avery and Jackson, no one knows what to say. I’ll get to a point where it’s kind of funny in a sad way, but right now it just pisses me off more. I’ve just had my fertility taken from me, cry with me, get pissed with me, grieve with me, but God damn, don’t tell me it’s all for a reason but we just don’t know it yet. I’m only 27 years old, I should be in the “prime of my life”, I should be having babies left and right, but I can’t. To sum it up, it’s not fair. And I don’t want to hear about me saying that either…it’s my right to feel that way right now and I’m going to. It’ll take me some time to work through this, it always does, and I’ll bounce back. Just give me time…
Comments
Unfortunately, there have been several times during the course of our friendship that I've had to look you in the eye and say, "Honey, I just don't know what to say."
My words, even if I could find the perfect ones, couldn't take away the pain or grief or sadness that you feel. It doesn't matter right now if there's a reason or not, that knowledge doesn't dull the pain - it just adds insult to injury. I feel so helpless, because I can't fix this for you or give it meaning for you. IT'S NOT FAIR. I've said it to myself a hundred times already today. IT'S. JUST. NOT. FAIR. No matter how badly I want to take on some of that grief for you, to alleviate the burden that you and Sean have to carry, I can't. All I can do is hold your hand and cry with you, figuratively in this case because we're hundreds of miles apart. You can't see my tears, but they're falling. I hope that somehow you can feel them.
Mel, I just don't know what to say, except that I love you.
I will say that I've got some really happy stories about adoption that didn't take forever and didn't go badly when you're ready to hear them. Also, they're like a car, you can pay them out!
Dear Mel, I cried when your dad told me your story yesterday. I wanted to call you several times but your dad told me you didn't want to be bothered so I honored your wishes. I needed to talk to someone about all this so I called Natalie. She is very sad for you as well. But she will honor your wishes to not be bothered until you are ready to talk.
You have every right to ask every question you asked. You have every right to be madder than hell. You have every right to ask why? why? why? You have every right to feel whatever you want and need to feel. Remember, there are no rules for grief and you just have to ignore those people who say stupid things. Or forgive them for their ignorance. That was one thing I learned from Compassionate Friends.
I, too, have no comforting words to make you feel better. I have no idea what you are going through or how you feel. No one does. Yes, I've lost a child and you lost a stepsister, but every pain is different. I haven't had any miscarriages or stillbirths. I have no idea what that is like. No one can say anything or do anything to ease your pain and grief. I know that. But I do want you to know we love you very much and are here to listen to whatever or whoever you want to yell about. I still use the IT'S JUST NOT FAIR response daily when I think about Heather. And now I use it for your enormous disappointments.
I AM, however thankful that the doctor was totally upfront and honest with you. I just couldn't fathom the thought of you being in such grave danger, or ultimately losing you. That, my dear, is just not an option.
Michelle explained, sorta, why a hysterectomy was dangerous as well. However, I haven't talked to her myself so I'll have to get more info on that.(sometimes info is lost in translation when it goes through your dad). Sounds like the only safe way for you and Sean is going to be his responsibility now. I hope he realizes it's more a matter of life and death for you than an inconvenience for him, the way a lot of men look at it. It just makes me shutter to think of you accidentally getting pregnant.
You know we are here for you, sweetheart. Please don't hesitate to call on us for anything, even if you just want to scream in the phone. Remember, you are not alone, even though most of your friends and family are so far away in miles, we are as close at the phone or pc. We love you very much.