Have you held an angel?
I have a few blogs that I read daily. It's like they are my friends and their blogs keep me informed. One recent post on one of the blogs asked for the readers to visit or pray for another in the blogging community. She had just lost her twin boys around the middle of her pregnancy. I have no clue the exact reasons but my heart went out to her and I emailed her my story, just to let her know she was not alone.
She wrote a very painful and raw post on Mother's day which got me thinking. I've been meaning to write something like this for a while but it's hard to put into words, so you'll have to bear with me when I ramble.
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When a mother, a family, loses a child no matter what age it hurts, hurts like hell. But you know, as cliche as this is, it will get better. Having losses in 2000, 2001, 2004 and 2006 I know a little on the subject. For those just joining or just finding me, the babies in 2000 and 2006 were early miscarriages which happened on their own; the 2001 child was our first daughter, Avery and in 2004 our son Jackson. Both stillborn at 26 weeks.
But, back to what I was saying. It'll get better. It still hurts and I still cry but it's not as raw. It's not burning like salt on a wound, it's not uncontrolled sobbing much anymore and the anger is not as deep. I do not want you to think that I am happy every day, I do not want you to think that I never think of my babies, nor do I want you to think that I don't care. But it's DIFFERENT than it was in the early 2000's...hell, even just a few years ago. I think of my angels every single day, I'm even fighting tears as I write this. But now, after these hard and excruciating years, it's a different cry. You will forever miss your child, whether they were miscarriages that you didn't get to meet, stillborns that were already gone, children you got to have in your life for longer or even older children. There's one thing...parent's should never have to bury THIER children. I still get mad that I had to pick out two headstones, but I got to do something that I bet you never have, I've got to hold not one angel, but two!
God did not give you this child and take him/her from you to teach you a lesson, to be mean. God has our children because they were destined for something better. Now, go ahead and disagree with me because NO I do not intend to know exactly what God does and why, but I do know that without these angels in my life I wouldn't know some people I do today. Think about how often you hear now of someone losing a child? People are more open about it now and it's wonderful, for a sad reason. Avery and Jackson have brought some awesome people in my life, have allowed me to really truly and honestly know what someone is going through when they lose a child, have given me the ability to share my story to hopefully help other families in this situation and have also let me come closer to God. I got to hold his angels, I got to carry his angels and I helped grow some of his angels.
Now, again, don't get me wrong, I hated Him for a while, but I now understand a little more and realize that even with all this shitty pain, depression, anxiety, taking my fears out on Kenna and everything else that has changed in me since my first loss, I'M FRICKIN' SPECIAL! My babies have some really great other kids to play with up There...I have angels to watch over me all the time.
In all my rambling I hope this makes sense. If you've had a miscarriage and didn't know the sex of the child you carried, still, give him/her a name. It'll make it easier, even if it's a nickname. Cherish and always think of the time you did have with your child, no matter when they passed. I promise, it will get better, easier in some way on each angelversary. You will still cry, you will still be mad, you will still laugh then be mad at yourself for laughing, but it's ok. Smile because you got to hold an angel....in your arms or your womb and your HEART!
I ask you this, my awesome readers...Have you held an angel, 'cause I have!
Comments
I've carried two Angels and I've held one. My second pregnancy ended in a very early miscarraige in 1997. That first miscarriage changed my life forever. For years I referred to 'it' as 'my miscarraige'. After hearing that I would feel better if I gave the baby a name I thought long and hard about what to call this 'baby' whose sex we didn't know---even though I always felt it would have been a girl.. No name seemed to fit, then I realized that everytime I thought about this baby in my mind I was calling 'her' My Heart. So, that is how I refer to the miscarriage---My Heart.
On Sept. 9, 1999 I actually held one of God's Angels. My son, Samuel, was born extremely premature and died in my arms moments after birth. I was able to hold him, hug him, sing to him and tell him that I will always love him. He died knowing his Mommy and Daddy love him forever.
A parent should not ever have to bury their own child. This is not nature's way. It can be so difficult to learn to live with. But, time goes by the pain lessens and you learn to live with the knowledge that you have Angels watching over you.
There is a definite difference in how society sees miscarriage and infant death today versus 40 years ago. My Mother lost two daughters at birth, one was still born and the other died on the operating table not long after she was born. My Mom suffered these two losses in silence. There were no support groups back in the 60's-70's. People didn't talk about infant death, she had to learn to live with her grief all on her own. I had the internet, support groups, and understanding friends. I got hugs and support whenever I needed it. My Mom had nothing but herself. My Dad wasn't even always available as he was in the Navy and gone for months at a time. She basically dealt with it by forgetting just about anything to do with her pregnancies and losses. If I ask her a question she almost always tells me to ask my Dad, he remembers more about those times that she does. My Dad was the only one that atttended both funerals. Mom was still in the hospital and they decided that us three kids didn't need to miss school to attend Carol Sue's funeral.
Thank you for this post. The more people talk about losses the easier it is to learn to live with.