Screwed up...

Short and sweet, I still hurt.  I start PT tomorrow. I fell down the stairs yesterday (my ankle gave out).  Sucks...hurts.  That's it.

You know Mother's day was yesterday.  Although it was a wonderful day including sleeping in, flowers and cards picked out from Kenna and Sean, a nice dinner with dessert and tons of cute little notes from Kenna all day (i.e. I love you mom) it also had a tinge of sadness too.

This special holiday for us moms has been a good one for the past 5 years for me because of Kenna.  I'm so happy that she's now getting older to write me notes and honestly tell me that she loves me.  It always makes me laugh and I'm so blessed.

While I'm happy to have Kenna here it always enters my mind that I should have at least 2 more children to write me notes on this day too.  I remember my FIRST mother's day after Avery was born.  I went to my old place of work, the local grocery store, and one of my previous co-workers knew I had been preggo but didn't know of the ins and outs of Avery's birth/passing.  So, we were there with some friends to get stuff to cook out, because Sean and our neighbors wanted me to have a happy day, remembering our daughter.  This old co-worker checking us out told me "Happy Mother's Day".  I politely said thank you and walked to the car.  I sat in the back and bawled like a baby.  Yes I was a mother, even then when Avery was in heaven, I didn't feel like it, it was a slap in the face.  In a way that pain still comes creeping in on this special day.  I hurt still, I hurt for others in my situation who have lost babies and I hurt for MY babies.  I'm sure it'll still be painful every year, but I'm just so so so so so...did I say so, THANKFUL for McKenna!

Oh man, I'm so excited.  I get to see Neil Diamond again in October and couldn't be happier!  My gramma, mom, step-dad, aunt, cousin and sister are all going and I'm stoked!  His new album Home Before Dark rocks my world too!

Home Before Dark (Deluxe Edition)

Neil Diamond

I have this great friend.  She has been a friend for over 7 years now.  I knew from the moment our eyes met that we would become lifelong friends.  I just knew.  She has been there through everything in our lives, the loss of two children, the birth and life of Kenna, moves, injuries...you name it and she's there.  She always is there when I call her and she never argues.  She listens when I need her to, she endures hugs or squishes when I need them.  She always makes me laugh and she acts like a kid.  She does come between me and Sean sometimes, but it doesn't last long.  She never has had kids so she loves Kenna like she's her own and the feeling is mutual with Kenna.  She's getting a little older, more grey hair, but really who am I to say anything bad about grey hair!  She's also getting a little pudgy, but again, who am I to say anything about that?

Here's a pic that Kenna took of our friend!

PICT0040

Well, since I suck at keeping my vox 'hood updated...here's a messed up one.

So, first off, what was the last thing I vox'd about?  My surgery...oh my second surgery.  Riiiiiiight.  Well since then, I've had two injections in my back because of my effed up nerve.  Apparently there's these nerves in your foot and sometimes they freak the hell out after surgery/injury and that's what mine is doing.  So, these huge ass shots in my back are supposed to deaden this nerve and "reset" it so it'll calm down.  I'm a freak though remember, so it hasn't worked.  Here's a snippit of what I've sent to my work comp adjuster and my manager at work, this will give you an idea of what I've been going through for about 6 weeks now!

I thought this would be the easiest way to keep you both informed at this point.  Just as a refresher I had my 2nd nerve injection in my back on Wednesday this week.  Sadly it did not ease the pain at all, if possible it has made it a little worse.  Dr. X, my pain management doc, said that there are a few things left to try; another injection, a device of some sort implanted in my back to continuously block the nerve or kill the nerve all together.  I have another follow-up appt on Thursday.

My status as of now is I've been out of work since Thursday, April 10th.  I'll be very honest, I'm on Percocet to help with the pain.  With that all I do is sleep because it's such a heavy narcotic.  My quality of life is horrible.  I sleep all the time, I cannot go anywhere because of the meds I'm on, I cannot drive, I cannot even walk around the grocery store to do shopping.  I cannot clean my house nor can I watch my daughter play t-ball because I cannot stand that long.  The only time I'm not on the medication is if I have to pick up my daughter from school/daycare if my husband has a meeting.  Since I cannot drive or adequately watch McKenna, then I cannot take the meds.  On those days I'm pretty much curled on the couch or in bed due to the pain.  Also, I cannot wear socks/shoes because the pressure hurts too badly or even if my pants legs brush up against my ankle/foot I'm in excruciating pain.

I know this is probably more information than you both need, but I feel that I need to be 100% honest about the situation.  I'm afraid for my job.  I'm afraid work will give up on me and I will no longer be "employable" or when I finally am able to come back I will be lost due to the daily changes.  I love my job and my co-workers and it has been so difficult to not be there.  I do not feel with the percocet that I can do my job.  Because of the legal implications of me saying something really stupid or wrong.  I can stop the medications but then, as I said before, the pain is so horrible that I cannot even think of anything else or really function.

 

Birthdays...I remember when they used to be a big deal.  Hell, we just had our daughter's 6th b-day party a few weeks ago and it was a huge thing.  I guess once you have kids/get older your birthday doesn't mean as much.  Which depresses me.  I've always been a huge birthday fan.  I mean, what could be better than a day, a day all for you? Yeah...call me spoiled, call me selfish, I am dammit. 

So, today...the big 2-9...but you know what, it's now just another Monday.  Complete with the runs, work and a migrane.  Ankle pain, stomach cramps and customer service phone work.  Thank God I have awesome family and friends who still call/email to wish me a special day 'cause I didn't get no cake! LMAO!

Happy Birthday to ME!

Well, let me just give you the short-cut story.  The reason for the short story is because I hurt and am on good pain meds right now.  Basically I had some horrible pain that everyone was worried was appendicitis (sp?) so I went to the ER today.  After 4 hrs, phenergen, morphine and a CT scan it turns out the pain is from ovarian cysts...and oodles of them, one in particular.  Both ovaries are just covered with cysts with the right one having the largest 2cm cyst which will probably burst soon.  Needless to say I hurt but would like to rub it in to all docs that have seen me and can't figure out why I haven't had a period in MONTHS...nanner-nanner-boo-boo...I have PCOS!  DUH!

Anyway, I have instructions to follow up with my ob/gyn on what to do.  Honestly all of me wants them to let me have a complete hysterectomy.  But I doubt anyone will, me being 28 (almost 29) and all.  But come on...it's causing more pain than anything and I apparently can't use any of my "parts" for child-rearing so take the fuckers out!

The  "other fun stuff" I eluded to in the title is that Work Comp Ok'd my surgery on my ankle.  Guess they just wanted to see how badly I wanted it done and how annoying I can/will be if I am denied.  So, surgery is now scheduled on the left ankle, just a scope right now, at noon on Thursday, March 6th.  Whoopie doo!

I think I'm a strong person.  I have days, weeks and occasionally a bad month here and there, but overall I'm pretty eff'ing strong.  I thought that, until yesterday at work.  Here's some background for you:

1. Avery's birthday is Friday the 22nd.  She would have been 7 this year.  I miss her tons but for the most part I smile when I think of her, rarely do I feel the burning of tears in my eyes when I think of her or hear her name.

2. I work for 10 hrs a day.  On the phones for 8 hrs and 50 mins of these 10 hrs per day...I'm an insurance agent (it's nice saying that, not just customer service or phone work).  95% of my calls are from military members and their families.  Sometimes I get a call like I did on Tuesday, which is the reason for this post.

The call started out completely normal, ie I need an insurance card and other questions.  Then the call changed.  I heard the cutest little noise on the phone, which I knew immediately as a newborn nursing.  So, I had already started a relationship with this younger woman so I asked about the noise.  She informed me that the noise was her 9 week old daughter, Avery.  The more and more we talked the more I learned about her situation.  This simple call drew into a 45 minute discussion about her young husband in Iraq missing the birth of their first child. She and Avery are living with some friends who's husband is also deployed.  I got the young woman's car insurance taken care of but realized that we (my company) had more to offer her.  I got our bank on the line since she had a credit card with us and I got her interest rate lower because of her deployed honey, down from 17.9% to 4% for a year.  This young mom was totally stoked that I even thought of that, she thanked me profusely for helping her and her family.  This is when the call turned into a heartbreaker.  I told her it was the very least I could do because of her and her family's sacrifice while her husband is overseas.  I explained that I appreciated everything that she and her husband are giving up for me and my family.  Because of their selflessness my family is free and living how we are.  I thanked her for trusting my company and also advised her to have a great day (the norm at the end of every call for me) then I said it..."give Avery a big hug for me".  The young woman just giggled and said "I sure will", while I choked an "ok" from my throat and fought back the all too familiar burn in my eyes.  I had to finish the call, hang up the phone and walk away. 

I went to the bathroom with red eyes and mascara stained cheeks and finally realized I needed to call my mom.  Mom said the usual wonderful things a mom says and it helped and had me smiling at the end of our call thank goodness.

So much of me was embarassed to breakdown at work, to call my mommy crying but mainly I just felt silly for getting so "involved" with a customer on the phone like that.  After a few moments I realized THAT is what makes me kick ass at my job.  That's why I'm not just answering calls all day.  I mean maybe I made that young woman smile, maybe when she sees her Avery she'll always know to treasure and cherish every moment with her and maybe, just maybe, she'll now know that even with her husband overseas others care for her even though we've never met.

I think I was supposed to get that call yesterday...this week.  I never forget about my angels, all of them, but I think it was God's way or letting me know that she is doing ok and she still thinks about me too!

Well, I won't go into detail but you all remember the lovely surgery I had in September (has it really been THAT LONG?!).  Then the fateful day just 120 hours after the surgery when I fell at work?  Yeah, looks like I get to have the wonderful surgery on the sprained ankle that I had on the right ankle.  Now it's just time to wait for the state of Texas to remove their heads from thier asses and OK the surgery so I can get it over with.

Here's to a cast and crutches for 6-8 weeks again!  St. Pat's Day should be oodles of fun this year!

Ok, seriously, where have I been?!  I promise I've been ok...just busy.  Not your typical busy but crazy fucked up busy!  I won't whine about it or really go into details for ya, just know that I've:

1.  Been working like a dog at work

2.  Finally got out of a wheelchair after weeks and weeks

3.  Still been in school full time

4.  Been trying to help keep What's Scrappening something that's happening

5.  Been exhausted

6.  Been sick

7.  Been missing my kid since I don't get home until 6:45-ish at night and work on Saturdays now

Hm, I'm sure there's more but I can't think!  I'm just peachy keen but wanted to check in with everyone!  Here's a digi page to tide you over!

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